Have you or someone you know ever been a part of or joined a Non-profit organization? I know I have. Nonprofits can be great for helping someone or a group in need, or a cause that may be happening in today's world, whether it's food insecurity, supporting a specific group, and many other causes. Some have even inspired people to lead & inspire others in the world. However, sometimes these organizations turn corrupt or turn for the worse, so the questions begs, what happens when an organization turns south and how to know which ones to trust?
In this post, I will be sharing my experiences with two Nonprofits that I have been a part of and how both experiences show the good & the bad side of Nonprofits in the world. Especially, if the person, who runs the show, may not be what they seem. So, without further ado, let's get into it.
First off, we must ask the question, what is a Nonprofit?
According to a website called Investopedia, a Nonprofit is an organization is a type of business with granted tax-exempt (meaning free from taxes) by the IRS, the International Revenue Service, because of these organizations either providing a public benefit or furthering a social cause. This means that these types of organizations are designed as entities to better its community by gathering donations and grants, whether they come from individuals or entities, both government and non. For these entities to qualify as a Nonprofit, they must meet filing requirements, like a 990, a form that acts as an informational return that communicates about its revenues, expenses, programs, etc., they also must serve the public good, along with avoidance of engagement in certain types of activities.
How can one be a part of these businesses and-or organizations?
It depends on the context the person is using. Usually, if a person wants to participate in a program or activity available, in my experience, mostly they can just participate voluntarily. Even as a regular member. Now, if the person wants to be apart of a youth board, or any board at all, unfortunately, Nonprofits, while run by the most passionate people and have diverse donation streams, these organizations often have limited resources both within hiring and regulatory requirements honestly.
Now, here are my experiences:
The Good Experience: Girl Scouts
My first experience in a nonprofit organization was my service in Girl Scouts of the USA. I found this out at the age of nine, when I wanted to hang out with my only friend, at the time, if memory serves me right, had to leave for a meeting. Sad about her departure, I asked her about Girl Scouts, what it was, and whether I would be accepted for being Autistic or not. To which, she answered me with a huge yes, leading me with inspiration to join a troop (a term used to call a group of girl scouts). Lucky for me, I joined a troop with a troop leader that had experience with Autistic children like me (I'm diagnosed as a High-Functioning Autistic). Due to this, it made my experience a little better and fitting, eventually helping me in both my low social and communication skills, I even learned a bit of marketing skills a bit.
With this experience, I became very dedicated the more I served. In fact, so dedicated, I became the first person out of my entire troop to earn all three girl scout awards(Bronze, Silver, & Gold), along with making a lasting friendship with the troop leader once I bridged to the last grade level in this organization(The last grade level is Ambassador, but afterwards one can become a Girl Scout Leader or Co-leader in another troop or make their own). In my opinion, I have fond memories within the time I served and it's an excellent organization for little girls, Autistic or not, to enjoy if they want to.
The Bad Experience: A Local Organization
Now, onto my most agonizing experience of an organization, a local Woke nonprofit house called near me. I found this Nonprofit after marketing my first book. as a vendor, almost all day at a Mental Health fair, considering I was invited by my former troop leader, who was a part of planning it. Afterwards, we ate dinner before going since I agreed to go. When I met them, I felt accepted, included, and at home. I even got around to know as much people as I could, including the executive director himself. In fact, I would become a somewhat new member as everything feel great. After a couple of months, I had my first one-on-one conversation with the executive director, considering that the planned event ended up just being the two of us on accident (the event was new, and as a newbie, I didn't realize that these new types of events would take a while to get an audience).
However, after that everything changed for me, for I, what I would end up realizing later is, after that night, I subconsciously and involuntary became obsessed with him in a feeling called Limerence. This is an involuntary infatuation feeling with someone that includes intrusive thoughts and strong attachment. I mean he was so reassuring, nice, sweet, and everything I wanted in a father figure, considering I barely had any emotional connection with my parents and had no one talked to within my own family, just my therapist. I even remember his what seemed to be an assuring smile, telling me that I didn't need to apologize every time I did so, God, what wasn't there to like?
Yet, after many visits of going to the house, everything about him switched. He went from being assuring to intense and angry (granted, I did read him a lot and may have projected how my fear from possibly being triggered from his name being the same as one of my abusers, when I shouldn't have. I take full responsibility for it. This was my bad). Due to this change, I became anxious, out of concern, that he could've been mad at me or didn't like me anymore. This started from concerns about his face to his body language, because it always seemed like it lit up more with other people than me, which was weird, because before whenever he saw me, he grinned from ear to ear.
I even remember him, filming some of us one night at karaoke and he pointed his phone towards me to film me. When he did, I did a silly moment by crossing my eyes and sticking my tongue and he stuck his tongue at me as he kept the phone, but doing longer than I did. I remember it made me smile from ear and ear, it made feel loved honestly. But now all of that was gone. Granted, he could have told me he was having a bad day or something, but he didn't. He just kept telling me to be "present in the moment". every time. Sometimes he would say not to read him, and I respected that fact honestly, but the thing is that he kept subtly doing it every time I was in the room, silent and moody. It could have been his ADHD too, but still, I became worried and ended up apologizing when he would get upset about me reading him.
Though, this anxious feeling would even go further as I tried to wrap my head around over why he was acting this way to why he didn't tag me one time before knowing that he doesn't tag the same people all the time, considering I asked. Based on these concerns, I would ask around to see if there was something I missed, which many of the people I told, gave me information about his diagnosis-es(ADHD & Substance Use Disorder), along with how tiring and busy his schedule was that could've been contributing to his actions.
With these answers, I took them into consideration, before seeing that even though he remained intense, subtly not happy in my presence again, but when another member was going to do something wild, he all of sudden changed to a happier person, smiles and all, like he had never been tired at all or grumpy at all. This caused much more confusion for me, leading to another anxiety spiral again. This cycle would go on until I thought he was mad at me, and I had a panic attack when I visited the next time I wanted to go and could. Despite a girl, who had been my friend at the time, telling me that he absolutely liked me, because he talked about how sweet I was, and how could I be that way, and how much he loved me. Which lead to a conversation, not enforced by me (I was too scared to ask, because I was having anxiety about the conversation going south), but by my friend, who tried to help me. To which, some of it was good, reassuring even, however, he made a statement that seemed contradictory and rubbed me the wrong way after taking a break. He told that, I think, I couldn't do that here, stating as "therapy stuff", when all I remember was having panic attack for the most part.
This would create a cycle of more confusion, anxiety, anger inside me that I kept hidden at times, but sometimes not. All despite trying to agree to disagree with him on it. I would be in this type of cycle for a long while until I had a boundary placed on me to not read or project things onto to him and rightfully so. Only thing about this that made me upset is how he didn't uphold that same standard for himself on the night when Jerryoke (a karaoke night run by another long-term member named Jerry) when I entered the same room as him, being actually okay I just wanted to stand out the room and see what he was doing, but leaving him alone, before he came over to me begging that I should sing again since Jerryoke night was back(since it had been gone for a while). So, noticing this, I was playing around sarcastically saying, "Is that my cue to leave?". Considering that in my mind, he was saying this, so I would go. In response, he answered, no and said something that was going to make me cry that I can't remember anymore, but the feeling was real. However, he stood there after I said told him that he was going to make me cry and replied back with, "Don't do that, because if I did, then the night would be over," or at least something along those lines. Well, with that, I became angry, because I was triggered since through all my life and throughout my trauma, I was told not to ever express any crying, because no one wanted to hear that, according to one statement by my mother. So, the next visit, after some anger and trying to see from his point of view, I tried to apologize, even though I over-apologizing again for behavior, that I thought may have caused it since my humor had been a little negative, despite just me playing around and joking about my life and being playful mostly, that night, but I also wanted to talk to him about his behavior after talking with my therapist saying that .Yet, when I told him why I was doing this, due to his behavior, he stood there (while doing some tasks for the house as I followed him, but only due to the anxiety and confusion I had when he said I was good, but with everything else I knew that confused me, I just couldn't believe it), then he admit to it, but didn't say sorry for it, but told me,
"Yes, because I wanted to make sure you were okay."
At the time, I didn't see it this like I do now. With this and more anxiety coming in, I kept asking him about everything, still anxious, until he told that me that I needed a break, along with (with some more asking) that he doesn't know who he has call, whether it's Julie or someone else to make sure that I don't come back when since I'm on a "break". Along with the fact that after trying to talk to him some more, he told me that I was taking some time away from the MHOTA.
Knowing this, I asked around again, especially my therapist, who I told the situation, telling me how there were definitely some readings on my face, assuming, etc., leading to why I did what I did when talking to him before, but then when telling her what happened after I talked with him, she had wondered how I was dealing with all of this. Which was not at all. Although, the only wrong that I did here was not letting go and trusting his words, which I couldn't not with all the inconsistencies that I had been seeing and what he told me. For example, the fact that he was not following me personally, despite him following others that were also like me (not on the youth board or his age), considering how I had now been blocked. Though, I'm guessing that's because of my inconsistent follow and unfollow maybe, but still, the subtle energy drops whenever I enter the room, at least to me that what it seemed to be. I mean sometimes he smiled at me, but from my perception, it was majority of the time. Along with some things that he had also done, like pretending to know me since he would often apply addiction's counseling to my anxiety, which is something I have. I wrote a whole article about that you can read here and making it my entire being. He would do confusing things like this often or say things like "Be present in the moment", I had concerns again, that I didn't really explain well, or needed reassurance from him from the inconsistencies mentioned before like when my limerence turned a bit stalky, like finding his personal social media accounts and looking at everything about it, however when looking at his friends list, I found it a bit suspicious how he was friends with some members(which were like consumers, but called members for some reason), who were not his age, like one of his friends I knew, or members that were not on the established youth board(an established youth board for members to create programs personally connected to them) personally. Like the people included that were not on the youth board or his friends were young, but they were like a little bit younger than me like one of them that I knew was seventeen and this was a 43-year-old man doing this, who literally had a certificate in being a Certified Peer Support Specialist, who, according to the ethics of that job, he is not supposed to have dual relationships with his clients. That even included me, but why push that rule on me, but not everyone? I mean when I tried to do this, I got no response, and I kept wondering what I did wrong or something.
I mean, it was because of that inconsistency and this reason was why I followed him personally, because with my autism and trying to understand rules, I thought I could do this too. Although, I also had hopes that I could be considered his daughter (which was not helpful in this situation), since he had already had one and this was just my limerence getting a little out of control. Which is another thing I thought I could do, due to the fact that, according to what one member said, the executive director himself, the guy I am having this problem with, considered Jerry, the host of Jerryoke, like a son-figure, even though I knew he already had a son. However, knowing this, when I talked to him, the executive director in a apologizing manner again, he had actually said to me, in his exact words, "And if it helps, I already consider you as a daughter,", after telling him how I felt about him. When he said this, which at the time, made me feel great, but at the same time, I felt like I manipulated him to get what I wanted, I felt so guilty. I even wonder if I was a narcissist, another cycle that was going on as I tried to wrap my head around these inconsistencies and whether or not he actually liked, despite him telling me so, but with all the inconsistencies, I couldn't believe him. A lot of these concerns and thoughts would drive me nuts to no avail, I even almost accept I was a narcissist since all I heard from everyone, I told his to, it always seemed that his actions were my fault, always.
However, even with this, our cycle kept continuing, as I continued to keep going and he continued to be inconsistent still. Yet, now at the point, the both of us from what I could tell were getting sick of each other. Almost to the point, where he and I had an argument, leading him to be angry outwardly while I was shutting down with some passive-aggressive angry-type of silence that I will admit was not okay, but my blood boiling at the seams inwardly. That is until I tried to ask what he knew about Autism (even most of this situation was just my anxiety towards his inconsistencies, which funny enough I told him about my anxiety disorder, but he didn't believe me). Only for him to react with the words, "I know enough!" while shaking his head, then proceeded talking, saying, "But Lexi, there are boundaries..." and so on, after placing a "boundary" on my over-apologizing for what it seemed to be to actually control me, which are not what boundaries are for.
With the cycle going as far as it could, especially with my anxiety and limerence not being helpful, I would try to prove to him that I was not all bad. I would try to do this by whatever favor he asked me to do and help out around the organization's established residence by organizing the pamphlets on the table in the open den living room-like area. However, he would never notice, not that he had to, but a lot of me wanted to, so he could see that I was still that sweet girl inside that he loved.
Though, as I tried to do this, we had another talk alone by coincidence again. However, as I talked to him, trying to tell him everything he would say things like "No, I'm not mad at you," but in a higher pitch voice, or "It isn't me!" on repeat. Along with the thing about my limerence and telling him that I am working on it, and how it has been affecting our friendship per say. To which, as terrified as I was, he said that nothing has changed and at least I was working on it, so it was okay. Although, nothing would prepare me to what would happen after this.
After this, many things would confuse me more like one time, during a live stream (a thing he started on Wednesdays for people, who could not come or anything like that and for new people, etc.), and at one point in the stream, we had talked about a coping strategy for anger release, which was about private letters that you don't send. Though, I don't know what I said, but while we were talking, he talked down to me after disagreeing, which is fine, but saying, "No, you need to understand that people have different ways of releasing emotions," or whatever he said, was not necessary. At least in my opinion.
Though, this would not be the first time, when I tried to talk to him again, not alone this time, telling him why I was talking to him about things that were bothering me and how I felt he didn't want me here based on the same actions as before. Only for him to call me a bold and how I should never feel like he didn't want me here, etc. Which made annoyed and angry again and confused on why he would say that. Considering, all I know I have ever done was wanting to address if there might be a problem between us or ever asking for reassurance, based on his actions and body language that kept showing me that may have been annoyed, frustrated, or even angry. I'm sure it was driving him nuts, considering he got angry about me asking questions, way after saying that, in the beginning when i asked about one of their ads, that asking questions was okay in a voice message with the business account. The only communication on the phone I had with him.
With this cycle of chaos, feeling so concern, wanting to see if there's problem, despite his words that didn't seem to match up with his words, etc., the peak had reached its point recently. I had another time with him alone again, I just sat to myself while he argued with his brother outside before I had to leave, where he smiled at me, which made me leave. However, all of that feeling would leave after my mistake and the truth coming out on my second-to-last visit.
Considering my last visits, my limerence had been getting worse and because of that, I had been getting worse. With how much anxiety I was having about this situation that I figured out later that was fueling my limerence, I started to get so anxious that I wanted physical contact, but I tried to think about this beforehand, like resting my head on his shoulder or anything that would show him I still loved him as a father figure since I had a feeling that he was getting upset with me, especially due to my over-apologizing and efforts of asking over and over, leading to pinkie promising a lot since he did not like me asking at all. However, when I went to the house, I tried to sit there, trying to sit with the anxiety and limerence, trying not to do anything, but because of strong it was. I even remember sitting there with these strong feelings before not handling it anymore, with my heart having this anxiety, but mixed limerence obsessive feelings at random (this would happen all the time), just from him sitting there and due to that, I, admittingly, started to rest my head on his shoulder without asking and moving it while resting my head in the same position, but not in a sexual way, I promise. I swear on all my ancestors' grave, everything I ever felt for him was platonic as I can tell and know. I'm asexual, so there's that. And sometimes not even that, I would rest my head on his arm gently like you would a friend, but I didn't do this all time, no.
However, as this continued, I had an off day as my limerence was being fueled by my anxiety. Everything started out fine at first until my feelings became strong again. Which began after he started talking about his personal life and problems, I gave him a hug (something I had been doing before, because as I far as I could remember he didn't say anything, and I wouldn't do this all time and it wasn't always just him. Sometimes if it I did get that feeling, I would time myself or give everyone else hug and hug him last, knowing that I was doing something and that my feelings were getting the best of me) and rested my head on without consent. However, after that, I stayed with a girl, who I thought was my friend at the time, as we played with what we and many others who came to the residence thought was a ghost, that was making the lights flicker on and off. We did these with, I guess, was some apps to decode or see if the ghost would say something or talk. Afterwards, we all stood or sat around a large laying-kind of couch with some stuffies on it while we were talking about some stuff. I even played with a little vehicle from a set I brought with me while they talked about the ghost after everything else. I mean, to be honest, I did have some thoughts being playful with him and being cute but dismissed him and left him alone. However, when they started talking about the ghosts, with one of the apps from before or something, I wanted to see, so I sat in between the executive director's leg and someone else's, so I could see. After this, we all walked towards the open den/living room-like area again. However, I walked behind him this time, because partially yes, I some part of him on my mind, but mostly was because I thought we were all going that way. So, I walked behind him along to the area, and because there were no other seats and seeing an open spot between the girl I hung out with, sitting across from him, I sat in between them. Which, we had also talked, then for a moment, I was alone for a moment, I believe, before wondering where everyone went. So, hearing that the executive director and someone else outside, I went out to sit with the two of them, like I had done before with him and his friend while sitting across from the both of them. Though, when I did go outside, where they were, my autistic brain didn't catch that it was a serious conversation and walked alongside them inside. Although, I could see the energy drop in his body language or what I thought I saw, and asked, "Hey, am I ruining...", something, although, I can't remember if I said night or conversation, that's part of kind of a blur. After all of that, we sat around in the open den-living room thing again, talking about God-knows-what until I had to leave to go home. Yet, as I left the house, I had a feeling that they were talking about me, but sort of ignored it that night until Monday rolled around, where the truth about everything came out.
When Monday came and I went through most of my schedule, my phone went off, showing a notification from the business account. I pressed on the notification, which led me to the inbox, or something like that, only to find a long-ass paragraph waiting for me inside the chat and right after I just got out of therapy as well. It stated how he had been meaning to talk to me about my behavior and how inappropriate it was, with some restrained anger behind it all, talking about how he was uncomfortable with me laying my body onto him, and how inappropriate it was and as the leader of the house, he has to set an example, so if it happened again he would ask me to take a week off. However, when reading the rest of the text, it went from sort of calm to outright anger as he stated things, "Why is it that whenever I sit somewhere you have to follow?" and how he was bothered by me hugging him, except for greetings and goodbyes, sitting next to him, and other things like that, especially after he stated the fact that he wasn't mad multiple times, and that he didn't want to ruminate over it. Which to be honest, after reading all of that set anxiety in me, think that I was an abuser, especially after everything. A lot of guilt set into me and I took the rest of the week off, because I thought he was already asking me to for some dumb reason, even though that's not what he said. I began ruminating (which basically hearing I'm sorry over and over again, I know this based on our second meeting alone) worrying until hurt settled in and I would talk to myself about all the wrong he had done. Which is why after everything, I sent him a letter in an email, stating both the wrong I did, along with an apology after, and stating the situation going on between us and how we were going to solve it. Which was basically leaving the organization and never coming back as I respected his boundaries. Probably not my best moments, but at time of dealing with everything, I had to tell the truth and give a solution, which was leaving, knowing both guilt and hurt were messing with my emotional health. Which ultimately, got me blocked from the business account, after my last visit (when I sent the letter), where I was alone both by choice and not. Although, two people did come by and talk to me before I was entirely alone. Though, he may have tried, but I didn't know if he was talking to me, so I ignored it and watched whatever I was watching.
My current defense:
While yes, I did cross some boundaries, considering the hugging and head-resting and that definitely was wrong. I definitely let my anxiety and limerence get the best of me. I admit and have apologized for the behavior. However, I am not as bad as he made out to be, I did not rest my entire body on him. Just my head and I only hugged him. Yes, I did sit next to him, but not as close either, maybe on the couch, but the couch is literally small, and there were no other seats. I guess I could have brought over seat, but I did not think about that and I thought I could sit between them and he has also done the same. Along with, I did not follow him everywhere, I walked behind him on some cases, yes, but I have not followed him. There are only two cases, where I have done both. Also, the things he is bothered by, he, what I saw and could tell, was not bothered by them at all (I am also Autistic, so maybe he was, and I couldn't pick that up). Plus, if he was bothered, he could have told me earlier, than waiting until last minute when things worse. I say this, because he is not a minor, he's a middle-aged man. There is no reason why he could have not talked to me at any point. This is also considering the fact that he called my friend, in the beginning of all this chaos, to call about my behavior, but could not talk to me directly about it? It doesn't make sense to me. Currently, I am working on moving on. Especially, since, the people, who said they would still be my friend, stopped talking to me, so I have also let them go as well. Especially the nonprofit account, especially before my apology. Please keep in mind that there is so much more to this than you will ever know, but with that, that is my bad experience with a nonprofit story, which if you stayed tuned, there will be something big since I am also a self-published author.
Update:
After a lot of reflecting and thinking, I still realize that I made one mistake and as for him, he was just an unintentional ableist, manipulative jerk; considering that a lot of my behaviors, including my obsession, was just Autism, since Autistic people are passionate creatures with poor social skills, and my anxiety, because I did over-apologize a lot. Which doesn't take from the fact that he led me on to believe that he liked me and no problem with me when he really did, along his hypocrisy, crazymaking of me, and lies.
Any other examples? or experiences?
I do not have any more experiences, but I do have an example. For instance, NGOs (Non-Governmental Organizations) that help with world hunger, clothing, etc., but only give to them for control as they try to get of poverty in corrupt methods. One can learn more about this example in a documentary called Poverty Inc. on Tubi, if it is still on there.
Based on my experiences, can a nonprofit organization become corrupt?
No, not at first. All organizations, especially Nonprofits, usually start out with a good cause and become unsuccessful or corrupt. This is where I would categorize organizations like the little house organization I left, because while the organization isn't entirely bad or corrupt, but there are some criticisms I have, especially for the executive director, if they truly want to help anyone or even themselves. However, some are not. This is where I would categorize organizations like Girl Scouts.
And that's it! If you enjoyed this post, please Follow, Comment, and Share for more! Thank you for reading and I hope you all take care, Lovelies!
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