College, the sort of forced upon decision to do, as they say, if you want to be "successful" as they say. However, College is not all rainbows and shine as the hype for the experience as they make it out to be. How do I know? Well, I have experience.
When did you first go to college?
Back when I was fresh out of high school, I was eager to enroll in college in the fall of 2019 to begin my original goal to become a Special education teacher in an elementary setting. Considering I had made my personality about being Autistic and all. So, when the summer came, I applied at a sort of local community college and setup my FASFA as well, along with enrolling in some classes once everything was ready to go.
First experience of college classes?
Starting classes was not anything I had experienced before. I signed up for four classes, thinking it was like high school, but boy was I wrong. It's a much different than that. Of course, I did this all online, but still, four classes were not like four periods in high school or middle, with some homework assignments and lots of class assignments. No, more like just assignments upon assignments, due all on Sunday, with the latest time to turn the work in was almost midnight. Yeah, much different than high school, especially for an Autistic myself with an anxiety disorder. I think I let my Autistic passion get ahead of my brain while leading with my heart. Yet, by the skin of my teeth, I managed to pass all four classes on my own. This left me with a lesson that maybe only three classes would work for next semester. Which was exactly what I did when it came time for the spring semester.
So, what did you do to relief it?
Skipping forward, when the end of the spring semester, I enrolled in only three classes and well, shit hit the fan worse than I expected. I didn't do so well, because my organization wasn't as great at all, I allowed myself to slip, and the walls were closing in with everything else around me. Like grieving over a toxic relationship, Anxiety about the Pandemic, and so much more. So, with that, I didn't necessarily do so well on two of my classes, except for one class. With anxiety covering my body, I became anxious about the next semester, but unfortunately, due to poor planning, my Financial Aid and FAFSA went wrong, so much, that I couldn't enroll in classes, so I took a forced break until the next spring semester came.
What happened next semester?
Everything went right this time! I was able to enroll into two classes, since doing three didn't seem to work in my mind and I passed both of them this time, of course. Though, at the time, I began question my true desire to become a teacher, due to how long I would be in college for. Plus, I wasn't exactly getting the experience, I needed at the church I served at the time (I was helping with the 2's & 3's class) and wasn't sure I actually wanted to be in school for so long at the time. This is also considering that I had published my first book as well, and had fun writing it too, so I decided to become a teacher's assistant instead. With that in mind, I kept going in my college journey with two more classes in the fall once more, while writing books on the side. Yes, that's what I was going to be, both an Author and a Teacher's assistant. With this newfound relief, I had some new determination and passion.
So, how did that plan go?
At the time, I was dealing with a lot, family drama, a bad professor, taking in harsh criticism personally, etc. Yet, I managed through, passing at least one class with the professor that was at least not as bad. However, thinking about my life at the time, anxiety and fear started to set in. The fear of being an actual adult, and some traumatic events from the past were catching up to me that I began to become afraid of hurting kids when I never have, and never want to, but my brain kept telling me lies. However, that day came when two children weren't sharing well, and I lost it at a kid. I felt absolutely terrible about it and apologized for my behavior to the ladies, who were ran the 2's & 3's department at my church by will. Plus, my mother was no help, since she suggested the opinion that these people really only wanted me around, because I would actually play with the kids and get on the ground. So, with that, I decided that after two years of service and reaching a degree in a major I was no longer interested in, I decided to change my major before school started again.
What did you change your major to? And how did you do it?
Well, considering I had some writing experience already, I changed it to Liberal Arts, English Specialization. That way, I can increase my experience and skills as an Author. Cool, right? I thought it was since I got to take a Mystery Lit/Film appreciation sort of class. I'll never forget that class and how interesting it was to learn about the start of the genre, Murder Mystery and Thrillers as a whole. Turns out it was Edgar Allan Poe, who was the father of it all with his character, Dubois. Interesting, right? I even took a beginner's ASL course alongside this class as well, despite the professor being a little rude at the end, making me discouraged a little. However, however, the questioning still didn't stop, and it eventually turned into an existential crisis.
What caused this Existential Crisis? How did you solve it?
Well, my thoughts were questioning everything since of what I saw and heard from sources like Google and YouTube that you don't need a degree to be an Author/Writer. At that point, I didn't even know why I was even in college anymore. What do I do? Why am I in college? Should I drop out? I wasn't sure. I mean, from what my college had told me, I remember that they said a lot of people drop out of college, because of things like Money. Though, other than that, one of my best friends dropped out, because of their Mental Health and their grades dropping. It is said that 40% of college students drop out, leading to a higher unemployment rate, this being true for both men and women. So, it was possible. Everything about college seemed pointless and not worth committing to. I really needed to talk to someone about it, but my therapy session wasn't until Monday. so, knowing what I was getting myself into, I talked about with my mother, telling her about everything going through my head. She sighed and she reminded of me of why I went to college for and how that has changed, but didn't want me to drop out, because my parents were paying for it, but she didn't want to me to spiral, so she gave me some options to thinking about on what I wanted to do with the crisis in front of me, either continue or drop out, but find a stable job.
With that, I did a lot of thinking while spending some time at a residential spot for a nonprofit a lot, I even persisted on my decision to drop out while frantically looking for job opportunities when the thought came. I thought maybe I would drop out, but not let my parents know. I mean I was an adult, right? A young adult at that too, but still. I even spoke with my therapist about what to do or whether or not to apply for Medicare or something. However, after much mental and emotional turmoil in my experience with the organization, based on both my issues that were not helpful and the Executive Director's issues, basically his alleged scapegoat, and some of the members alone, I would eventually help myself out of what I was about to do. How did I do that? Well, when I went to hang out with my former Girl Scout trooper leader, now an adult family friend, and talking with her about psychology as we went to her new office at her new job, I told her everything about my decision to drop out, but she suggested I shouldn't and to go into psychology instead. Psychology? First of all, talking about the topic and working in that field are two different things. My mind went back n' forth on it to the point that I got my therapist involved, then eventually placing a boundary on the whole conversation. Yet, after some thinking and reflecting on my experiences of the nonprofit I just left, due to some drama and mental turmoil on my part to myself, I, once again, found some new passion. I had finally crawled my way out of the existential crisis of mine with a solution.
So, what is your solution?
As of today, after everything I went through with the painful nonprofit experience, my solution is that I have decided to keep going on my college journey, except I will be changing my major once again. What major you ask? Psychology & Counseling. With this major change, I plan to become a Licensed Mental Health counselor for my own nonprofit and what I plan for it to be. Yes, it will be a long time, but I feel motivated to do this after everything I have seen and from the determination from my heart. So, with that, those are my small college experiences so far.
What would you tell those who are thinking about college?
If you ever plan to go to college, I wish you luck and I hope you find the right path to where you want to be. Never be afraid to change your major and discover where you belong, because sometimes your beginning plan may end up changing to where you truly want to be. Good luck out there!
And that's it! I hope you enjoy this post! If you want more posts like this, follow, comment, and share for more! Thank you for reading and I'll see you in the next post! Bye lovelies!
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